The previous Saturday, in honor of my birthday I was bombarded by friendship and acknowledged by Peanut Butter in a hitherto unseen manner.

However, this rarely seen (but inherently obvious) affection was partially negated by the following actions:

• Him ordering the chicken mole for dinner, and pronouncing the “Mole” the same way one might pronounce the name of a blind, reclusive animal, or a particularly off-putting skin growth
• His obvious impatience in sitting at the Wendy’s drive-thru, and his strong reluctance to start referring to it as “Our Place”
• Him getting so drunk so quickly that he needed to be driven home in his own car (an action colloquially referred to as a “Plastered Peanut Butter”)

Despite the above, this aggressive display of friendship will need to be repayed tenfold. He has fully released something that cannot be stopped, and which nobody particularly wants – something most people refer to as “Ughhhhhh”: My friendship. Stay tuned!

You once were a catholic boy

Who never learned to share his toys

You grew to a sarcastic teen

That was only sometimes mean

You will be a grumpy old man

Scaring children is your plan

But Grumpy¹ someday you’ll learn

You do not need to act so stern

So acknowledge Tom today

You know he’s not going away²

 

Commentary

Today’s submission for Landon Acknowledge Me poetry month comes from who Landon himself has dubbed ‘McQueen’, known more fully for her aggressive requests for baked goods, inability to secure a personal desk/working space, and pro-level basketball skills (If only her passion for industrial engineering hadn’t taken precedence over her professional career) – Nicole. Known for the duration of this blog as WarbleGarble.

You’ll notice that WarbleGarble used her poem to walk us through the progression of Landon’s life, and how it systematically led him to where he is today- a device commonly referred to as an “Unbroken Chain of Regrets and Missed Opportunities”. This device is also commonly used in various real life crises – mid-life, existential, or otherwise.

Footnotes

1.) Another common, albeit less widely adopted, title and nickname for Landon. It’s speculated that this is, in fact, a shortened version of the original title – “Gruff & Stumpy“.

2.) Readers should understand that this line is not only true, but was the (unlicensed) inspiration for the plots of cinematic horror hits “It Follows”, “Psycho”, and “Old Yeller”. Lawsuits are pending – My lawyer has described me as “Ambitious, yet delusional; Short of stature, yet even shorter of character; Lacking the mental fitness to be entrusted with an internet connection and a lawyer”. Perhaps a lesson to go outside of your family for legal representation.

Landom, Lamdon, Lam
Will it be beef, or will it be ham
Beef with Tom, sure
But C’mon Man (tried to rhyme with ham)
No aknowledgement here or there
But why dude, are you scared? ¹
So we will continue
continue we will
and one day
you will
say
hello
lol i gave up to the end ²
there my poem
gave up at the end*

 

Commentary

Today’s submission for Landon Acknowledge Me Poetry Month comes from the Queen of Fireball, Mother of Lens, Addict of Flamin’ Hots, Reluctant Frito Glutton, Dodger of Marshmallows, Member of Los Conejito’s Banditos, Slayer of Hamsters, Robber (Liberator?) of Cats, and Shameless exhibitor of chocolate stained sweatshirts – Kaila.

But for the duration of this blog, she will simply be known as Dunderfluffen. Thank you #Dunderfluffen.

Footnotes

1.) This is an interesting question, and one that has puzzled experts for the better part of a decade. What is the driver behind Landon’s fear? This paranoia? This inherent streak of mistrust and suspicion running through his veins? Is it because, in this fast-paced and technological world, his hometown just recently received penicillin and the Model T? Is it because I get in early every morning to move his stuff around and occasionally steal loose items, and while he knows something is wrong, he just can’t quite put his finger on it? This remains unsolved, and the research/petty theft will continue.

2.) Some speculate that this final stanza was never actually part of the original poem and was in fact, simply self-deprecating commentary added to the end of the original submission. While misspellings and a lack of capitalization might lend credence to this belief, this is actually a commonly used poetic device on the part of the author, used prolifically in poems, literature, and emails. For further evidence, see Kaila’s “Collective Work of Assorted Text Messages”.

Here’s a free style free verse trapped in my creativity

If I had to write a damn poem, guess it should be about me

Narcissistic anarchy dominates the grey, gray, grey

Yes that didn’t mean anything you linguistic snobs stop reading and pay attention

Maketh sense doth I care not for

Which will make me famous after I die

Tom – No, Tom – No, Tom – No

Understand this, we all die alone

But when the reaper comes he will bear my face

For it is my acknowledgement thou cannot attain

That will build doubt and fear into your mind

And destroy your will to carry on

We aren’t friends

Peace is an illusion

Go away

I only need 2 friends and you’re on the bench

Leave me alone

Dogs are great

Stop texting me

Magic isn’t real¹

Stop IM’ing me

Otters are an average creature

Stop emailing me

Ima beat you down in fantasy football next year

Stop watching candles burn how are you not blind yet²

You won’t be safe from my wrath, go Pats

Stop drinking alone³

The bears still suck, NFC north is too strong good luck with that losers

Consider this acknowledgement

The end

#IWishRonSwansonWasMyDad

 

Commentary

The final submission for Landon Acknowledge Me Poetry week comes from the pen of the devil himself: Landom, Ladom, Lam, Peanut Butter, Time Child, “Are you sure you’re not Middle Eastern”, Slayer of Vegetables, Connoisseur of Twizzlers, Friend of Tom (?), the man himself – Landumb.

Of course, poetry month is still alive and well, but the remaining posts will no longer be daily – as shocking as it seems, I do have other things in my life to occupy my time.

(Looks over the last sentence, and immediately realizes how easy it is to spot the lie)

(Considers editing it to be more honest)

(Lacks the self-esteem to do so)

So stay tuned!

Footnotes

1.) Neither is my dignity, but that doesn’t stop me from walking around all day pretending that it’s real. The same can be said for: My faith in others, desire to go to the gym, and tolerance for low sodium snack food

2.) Joke’s on you – I’m 80% there already. Also, my glasses are loose and hang at a very obvious angle. I consider it to be part of my aesthetic – “Blind Angst” (Bangst)

3.) No

Of all the people I could write a poem about…

I’m writing about

Landon.

Could have been worse,

I suppose.

Could have been about

Tom.¹

 

Commentary

This poem marks the second guest submission of Landon Acknowledge Me poetry week. Today’s entry comes from what some have dubbed “The female Landon” (Sometimes referred to as “Femdon”). Her pessimistic outlook, dour demeanor, and general disregard for chop claps, aggressive and overbearing friendship, and teamwork-centric hashtags make her an obvious spiritual match for Landon.

She is truly the other (slightly more South Asian) complement to Landon’s (Slightly less South Asian) sarcastic and angsty demeanor.

As such, for the duration of this blog, she will hereafter be referred to as “Jelly”.  Thank you for the submission, Jelly.

Footnotes

1.) This particular poem represents a new wave and genre of modern poetry, referred to as “Unnecessarily Hurtful Neoclassicism”. This particular poetic sub-type is aimed at lowering the self-esteem and self-worth of overly cheerful and optimistic friendship-enthusiasts, by attempting to use their own social media platforms against them. For further modern examples of this genre, see Danielle’s “On the Emotional Assault of the Workplace Afro” and Landon’s “Critique of the Business Casual Groutfit”.

There once was a man called Landumb¹,
Who all would agree was sad and glum.

He had a friend named Tom,
Who was really the bomb,

Except for his inability to express his thoughts in a concise and meaningful manner, likely stemming from severe emotional immaturity and underdeveloped social skills, and resulting in the alienation of others, and the inability to adequately complete limericks…say some.

Commentary

The author is seemingly making a joke about his mental and emotional stability in this passage.

(Wakes up, and gets out of his unfilled bathtub. It’s 8 p.m. The liquor is gone. So is his dignity)

It aligns well to the light, but sometimes underappreciated, tone of the classic limerick.

(He turns on the shower. The water is cold. He doesn’t bother to move. He grabs an empty bottle of tequila from the corner of the tub, and drinks the stale remains of last night’s liquor down with cold bath water)

Indeed, it has enabled the author to add a touch of emotion to the whimsical lyricism of the limerick, while maintaining it’s optimistic tone.

(After a half hour, he turns the water off. He doesn’t bother to get up. He figures he’ll air dry in the now empty bathtub. He passes out again. Tomorrow will not be better)

Footnotes

1.) This Landon variant was coined by a small blonde girl, similar in size, temperament  (and skin tone) to an albino squirrel, known by the alias “Nikita”. She is truly the Aryan “Yin” to Pocket Ninja’s ambiguously Asian “Yang”.

Although sarcastic, angry, and intense

Although sardonic, huffy, and severe

Despite undue, unfair, unjust offense

Despite unjustified, disgruntled sneer

 

Whereas myself, elated and content

Attempt dispersing friendship and esteem

Whereas myself, ecstatic and unbent

Attempt creating an unbroken team¹

 

Regardless of confusion this provokes

Upon communal friends, among unnamed

Regardless of amusement this evokes

Upon unknowing, thoughtless, unashamed

 

Beloved Peanut Butter² does intend

Forever, always being truly – “Friend”

 

Commentary

Yes, this is a sonnet. Yes, it’s in full iambic pentameter. Yes, it took a long time to write. And yes, I know the act of me writing this might really call into doubt the last line of “Always being truly – “Friend””.

Fun fact – I consider this to be the thing I’m most proud of writing since that blatant rip-off of Lord of the Rings I wrote in the 3rd grade, in which all the characters were gerbils, and all the characters (except, of course, my gerbils) died. ³

In fact, some speculate that this work was the inspiration for Kaila’s masterpiece: “My Brother’s Dead Hamster: A memoir of Rodentcide”.

Footnotes

1.) #StrongerTogether

2.) In his earlier days, it is widely held that this nickname caused much confusion to Landon. This is primarily due to the fact that his home town, in addition to “Gone with the Wind” and the radio, just received peanut butter in the last 2 years.

3.) To be honest, there were only like 20 words in the book – it was really more of a pictorial representation of the heroism of the modern day house pet, and the spite I held for the possessions of others.

Landom¹ met Thomas²

Sitting grumpy yet thoughtful

Lo! Our regard dawns

 

Commentary

You’ll notice that in this particular haiku, the last letter of each word becomes the first letter in each subsequent word. You may be thinking: “Did this take a long time to write?” Why yes. Yes it did. “Should you perhaps consider getting a girlfriend to fill your time with more meaningful endeavors?” A perfectly fair question and assessment. “Are things like this blog perhaps the reason why you don’t have one?” Now you’re hitting closer to home than I care to admit, and I’m going to need you to back off.

I feel very triggered.

Footnotes

1.) Screw it, his name’s Landom now

2.) A slightly more formal alias for “Tom” used by parents, Catholic school teachers, and the police that one time when I was 5 and called 911 on a dare. Additional variants include: Tommy, Night Angel, Tom-Tom & Tub-Tub (A particularly hurtful middle school spin on the aforementioned “Tom-Tom”, further validating the kind, loving, and compassionate environment that permeates this nation’s private school sector).

Landom¹ and Tom

Sitting in a Tree,

Drinking,

Drinking,

Till they fall out.

Death.

 

Commentary:

This represents the first guest submission for Landon Acknowledge Me poetry week (month), coming from a 4’10”, sassy, ambiguously Asian woman known by the alias “Pocket Ninja”.

Original submission was in all caps, representing either 1) A broken keyboard 2) An accidental press of the ‘Caps Lock’ button or 3) A persistent subconscious need to be heard, manifesting itself in aggressive typing and speech mannerisms.

It was reformatted to reduce the likelihood of blog-related seizures,

Footnotes:

1.) Notice the deviation on the spelling of “Landon”. As mentioned in the previous entry, analysts disagree on the original spelling of the name, with alternatives representing unique interpretations by various cultures and groups. Given the nature of the original author, I’m inclined to believe that this deviation was primarily due to the proximity of the ‘M’ to the ‘N’ on  a standard keyboard, combined with a general disregard for spell check.

His name is Landon¹,

I call him Peanut Butter²,

His resentment grows

 

Commentary:

I believe the Haiku format is the best medium to capture the essence and base character
of Landon (Errr *cough cough* Peanut Butter) . It’s short, to the point, and is what people choose when they don’t want to sink their time into something more complex or meaningful.

Footnotes:

1.) Contemporaries disagree on this assessment. Various deviations or interpretations of his name include: Landom, Ladom, Lam, and Lando. See Kaila’s “On the Misspelling of common words” for further analysis.

2.) On the use of condiments and spreads for nicknames, see Baby Bash’s “Suga Suga” (ft. Frankie J) or the “About” section of this blog.