It has been a casual 118 days since updates on the Texas Bro-cation came to an abrupt and tragic end. Having hooked the reader with tales of Landon’s budding Texan vanity coupled with his insatiable hunger for gastrointestinal abuse, I set this humble audience of 12 (and counting!) up on a painful cliffhanger. Truly, his masochistic dietary choices, caffeine addiction, and lack of self-awareness were set up for a Day 3 collision course, a reckoning of Bold Texas BBQ and foppish floral attire.

Would Landon be bested by the brisket? Would he make a margarita-induced scene along the thoroughfares of Congress Avenue? Would he forever vanish into the Texan meadows, where the wildflowers in the earth could match the flowers on his bro-tank?

But I failed to deliver.

Nor will I here. Suffice it to say, that in the passage of time it does not behoove us to dwell obsessively over the remnants of a forgotten past. Nor does it serve our best interest to wonder at what might have been, at a decision left unmade, at a path left untrodden. No – it is best for us to decide each day to move forward towards the future, to learn from the past what we may while striving towards a better tomorrow.

So with that cop-out out of the way, let’s channel my advice and look ahead to more topical subjects: To a new member of Landon’s family.

It has recently come to my attention that in Landon’s desperate attempts to mitigate the effects of human companionship, he has sought to replace me with a dog: an irascible little hell-spawn named Velvet.

And yes: you are likely having the same thought as I am: “Landon can barely take of his own beard, much less another living creature. What is he thinking? If the poorly angled lines of his facial hair are any indicator, this dog doesn’t stand a chance at a healthy, structured life.”

But alas, my concerns have fallen on deaf ears. His attempts to replace me with a dog (understandable, yet wildly hurtful) appear to be coming to fruition. While I will do my best to befriend this Cerberus, this Cujo, this harbinger of Armageddon, this may mark an inflection point in the tale of this friendship.

But for now, all we can do is wait. More to come! (Sometime within the next quarter. But like, not within this quarter. Sometime before the end of the next one. So. Technically December.)