6/18/2018

*The below posts comes as is from the mouth of Peanut Butter*

Since this site is about me, Landon, unacknowledger (sic) of Tom, it’s time to flip the damn tables and talk about all the ways Tom does not acknowledge me. Or rather, ignores my attempts to ignore him.

First, let me give you all of the key phrases that come out of Tom’s word hole so when you meet him, you can belittle him by saying his favorite phrases before he does.

1. Landon*
2. Acknowledge*
3. Go get me some skittles*
4. Go get me a cookie*
5. What are your 3 favorite things about living and also your 3 least favorite*
6. Give me 3 pieces of critical feedback*
7. What are your thoughts on otters?*
8. Landon, you’re being more monosyllabic than usual*
9. Can we get Taco Bell*
10. All I have in my fridge is bourbon and starbursts*

*No

*No

*No

*No

*Trick question, Tom will say nothing is good about living

*Trick question again, Tom will not make any changes based on your “critical” feedback (ex: swoop your hair to the other side)

*Don’t answer that unless you want A. To never stop getting otter memes for the rest of your life, or B. To never stop getting otter memes for the rest of your life

*Stop putting our text messages through data analytics

*No

*Good, that’s 2/7 main food groups

Second, let me teach you some Landon approved ways of unacknowledging Tom.

1. Never answer any form of communication, only send a raven if you need his help
   1. The raven fits his pretend dark depressing humor, and will undoubtedly cause him to forget you as he befriends the bird
2. If he gives you the double handed wave, show him a different bird unrelated to the raven situation from 1
3. If he is overbearing in public, simply dump a hot cup of coffee on his shoes
4. If he ever calls you, take your phone gently out of your pocket, throw it on the ground, stomp on it 3 times, summon a witch, have the witch breath fire onto it, pick up the phone with your bare hands, put it in a ziplock bag, throw the bag against a concrete wall 47 times, gently take the phone out of the bag, dismiss the previously summoned witch, put the phone into a piñata, take it to a kids party and have then beat the ebelivin bejeesus out of it, take the piñata and slice it in half with a replica of Longclaw (Jon Snow’s sword in GOT), take whatever is remaining of the phone to NASA and have them ship it out on the next mission to Mars. Then, blow up the insignificant planet known as Mars.

 

The end.

 

Tom, thanks for letting me have this. You are a good friend (good, not great, do better). Also, let me die alone in peace.

 

Landon